This is the censored version of this post on healing from internalized biphobia and homophobia. You can view its uncensored version with sexually explicit (NSFW) photos on Pillowfort.
In my last article, I explained what internalized biphobia and homophobia are, and how they worm their way inside your mind. We can heal from these, and we can live happy and fulfilling lives as bi+ and bisexual men. Here are some ways of coping with internalized homophobia and biphobia, and helping yourself along that healing journey.
Be kind and patient with yourself while you heal from internalized biphobia and homophobia
This is the basis of any kind emotional healing journey. Treat yourself the way a best friend who cares about you would treat you. You deserve kindness and compassion. You deserve patience. These should come from you first. Growth and healing take time and nurturance. You can’t make a plant grow faster by pulling on it: it needs light, warmth, nutrients, and time. People need that too.
A few tips to help you along with this
- You’re doing the best you can with the energy you have right now. Dealing with suffering drains you out. Still, as you get better at living over time, you will spend less energy dealing with that hurt.
- Do a small thing to take care of your body. Eat a bite, and drink a glass of water. Go for a 10-minute walk. Go to bed when you’re tired to get some rest. Take half an hour to do something good for you that you haven’t done in a while.
- Not only does everyone make mistakes, but everyone makes a lot of mistakes too. . . and many people are good at hiding it. You’re doing better than you think.
- Speak to yourself with kindness, and watch out for that inner critic. Replace the “f***, I’m an idiot” you tell yourself when you make a mistake with, “it’s okay, it happens.”
- Recognize your strengths and accept your weaknesses.
- You’ve probably run into someone recently who found you attractive, even if you don’t think you’re handsome.
- Notice how your physical state—having slept badly or skipped a meal, being hungover, having used substances many days in a row—impacts your mood.
- Just because it’s bad right now doesn’t mean it will be bad tomorrow, or even in two hours. And even when the hurt lasts, it won’t always be there.
- When you’re confused about your feelings or attractions, it’s okay to not understand what’s going on for now.
- Not everyone heals at the same pace. You may also have more baggage to deal with than some people.
- Time is a powerful force, and it’s on our side when it comes to healing. Sometimes, all you can do is let time work.
Practise radical acceptance
Radical acceptance means making peace with who you are, where you’re at in life, and the emotions you’re experiencing—even the ugly ones. It’s okay to struggle with internalized biphobia and homophobia; it’s understandable given the culture we live in. Even queer guys who have been out of the closet for years can have these internalized oppressions bite their ass. You might be ashamed when it happens, but that’s okay too. We all start our healing journey somewhere, and healing is a bumpy road. Emotions aren’t good or bad—they just are.
Other guys like you can help you overcome internalized biphobia and homophobia
The Internet has upended what it means to come to terms with your sexuality. I first got the Internet at age 17. Being able to chat with other bi guys changed everything. It gave me what I needed to come out as a bisexual young man. When you end up too chatting online with other bi+ and bicurious guys, you’re going to think, “That’s me!” Talking together about being into multiple genders will be this simple, human thing. Even when your environment is supportive IRL, not facing prejudice is one thing, yet connecting with other guys who get it is another. It’s the step that makes the biggest difference in healing from the sh*t you’ve internalized.
So if you haven’t already, join r/BisexualMen on Reddit and our Discord chat server. It helps, even when you’re just lurking. Also, if there’s a bisexual support group in your area—or even a general LGBTQ+ group—think about attending it. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s life-changing for many people.
Find men who are role models – fictional or real
Get into stories with characters who are bisexual or bi+ men. Discover which male celebrities have come out as bi+. You can read non-fiction too in which bi+ men tell their stories, or read articles from Lewis Oakley or Zachary Zane. You should listen to the Two Bi Guys podcast as well. Finally, you can watch videos by bi+ male YouTubers, or bisexual guys and bi+ nonbinary folks on TikTok.
Learn about and celebrate your sexuality
Read the rest of this series. A lot of guys told me how much it’s helped them accept themselves, and I hope it can help you too. You deserve knowledge to make your sexuality satisfying and to stay healthy. Still, have fun with it also. If it’s not a problem for you, look at porn that you like—understanding that porn is to everyday sex what Fast and Furious is to real-life driving—and maybe swap some with other people online. You can write down your fantasies as well. Do some sexting with hot people and be friends with them too. Your sexuality exists to make you and others happy.
Say it out loud
When you’re not out to anyone, you’ve only vocalized your sexuality in your thoughts and through strokes—yes, I know—on your keyboard. There’s power in saying things out loud. When you have a moment of privacy, ask yourself what are affirming things you know to be true about your desires and your sexuality. Then say whatever you come up with out loud.
“Men are beautiful and I want them.”
“I’m bisexual.”
“I know I’ve said I’m gay, but I fucking want p*ssy.”
Other questions to ask yourself and then answer out loud can be:
“What is the best thing about me?”
“Which values are most important to me?”
“What is one thing I like about my sexuality?”
“What are reasons I deserve to be loved for who I am?”
You can talk to yourself in the mirror, to your pet, or you can write these down too. Some questions can be painful, and answers can feel like you don’t really believe in them. When that’s the case, it’s better to back away from this exercise and, tell yourself, “It’s okay if I’m not ready for this yet.”
Internalized biphobia and homophobia, and dealing with the bad thoughts
Write down those sh*tty thoughts and put them through the grinder—no, not that one. First, where does that idea come from? Does it belong to you, or did other people put it in your head? Biphobic and homophobic thoughts come from elsewhere. You wouldn’t be having them if you had never heard a prejudiced view.
Next, how true is that statement? Rewrite it into something more nuanced and accurate, let’s say, “No woman will want me because I’m bi” can become “some women will reject me because of my bisexuality, but some won’t,” which is less dire. Ask yourself too how and if that thought can be relevant to a straight guy, and then to a gay guy. For example, an idea like “my sexual orientation is nobody’s business” is not something you hear heterosexuals say, and not even most gay men. Prodding at the validity of toxic ideas lessens their power.
Therapy can have a big impact on overcoming internalized biphobia and homophobia
Life is hard, and it can be even harder when you’re queer. Many men find it difficult to ask for help, yet you deserve support. When you’re suffering despite your best efforts, it’s okay to go to a therapist, when you can have access to one. If you’re a student, your school might offer free counselling. Many employee support programs include free counseling; these counselors are on your side, not your boss’s. Be clear on the call with that service that you need someone with experience counseling bisexual men, even if it’s scary to say.
Also, LGBTQ+ organizations often keep a list of queer-friendly therapists, so contacting a local organization is a step towards a support too. Don’t hesitate to ask your questions on your first call with a counselor, and trust your gut. If it doesn’t click, either on the first call or after the first session, try someone else. It’s essential to feel you can trust your therapist. Yet access to mental health care is a privilege when it should be a right. Many people can’t afford therapy nor access it for free. Still, it’s worth looking into.
Healing from our emotional wounds is a huge topic, and this post only scratches its surface. It’s a struggle and at times, you’ll feel stuck. Internalized biphobia and homophobia are a cage that you might never have left before. Still, your true, free self is out there. Sometimes, these false ideas we’ve swallowed return and yank us back in the cage. Yet the world is bigger than we think, and it’s ours to explore, one step at a time.
Here are links to expand on everything I brought up.
Media with bi+ male characters
9 Movies with Bisexual Guy Characters
10 Bisexual Representations On TV To Watch For Pride
15+ Must-Read Books with Bisexual Main Characters You’ll Love
Reddit—Anyone know of any movies or TV shows with bisexual male characters?
Reddit—Books with bisexual male characters or POVs?
Famous bisexual men
These 7 Bisexual Male Celebrities Fully Embrace Their Sexuality
15 Bisexual Men Who Prove It’s Not Just a Phase
Bi+ male and nonbinary voices
J. R. Yussuf — The Other F Word
Non-fiction books
Recognize: The Voices of Bisexual Men
Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto
Bi Men: Coming Out Every Which Way
Support and resources to help overcome internalized biphobia and homophobia
Bisexual Resource Center – Find a Bi Group
r/BisexualMen on Reddit and our Discord chat server
